Letters: {To baby Eli}

Dear Eli,
I can't believe you are already half a year old. Stop growing up already, will you? Sometimes it feels like you have been with us forever, then other times it seems like time has gone by too fast. Time is funny like that.
One thing that you have taught me in the past 6 months is this: all babies are people too.
It seems like a really simple idea, but I think sometimes it is easily forgotten. Even as a 6 month old baby, you are a little person with your own personality, feelings, worries, and joys.
A few things that I adore about you are: when you smile. You would think that I might be used to your smile since I am lucky enough to get to see it everyday. But I'm not. I still get butterflies and feel my heart melt when you give me a great big smile or gasp.
Sometimes when you are eating, you will stop- look up at me and smile as if to say "thanks mom", then go back to eating. It gives me the best feeling in the whole world.
I also love to watch you in a new place. You are so alert and attentive to everything going on around you. So curious to know what's going all the time. I hope you always stay curious like that.
Another thing I love is your little legs. You are one active boy. Whether you are sitting, being held, or wherever- you love to wiggle and bounce your legs all over the place. Especially when you get excited, you move your legs like CRAZY. You are such a sweet boy. Strangers love to look at you because you almost always offer them a great big smile. Everyone thinks you look just like your Dad, and I have to agree. I am so grateful I get to be your Mom.
Some days are easier than others.Yesterday you spilled a huge cup of ice water all over my pants at a restaurant, pulled my pancake/syrup breakfast off the table and upside down on our carpet, and had yet another blowout. Don't worry, I still love you. And I always will, no matter how big of a mess you get me into.
Love you.....Mom

Motherhood:{A good book}

I have to admit, it was weird to not go back to school last fall. That is the first September, for as long as I can ever remember, that I didn't have to return to classes. 

It's been so nice to get back into reading books and things that I want to read, especially since those things are not textbooks. I went a little crazy at the library last week because it had been so long... but looking back, there's no way I'm going to read 5 books 3 weeks. So I'm glad the book I'm reading was the first book in pile.

It is seriously THE best book. I have already vowed that I am buying 3 copies. One for me. One for my Mother in law. And one for my Mom. 

It's a book about Motherhood called, "For Every Mother." It's about celebrating motherhood in any stage that you are in, whether that's a new mom, seasoned mom, or grandma. 

A few things that this book makes me want to always remember:

-Motherhood is hard in any season, so never assume that someone else has it easy just because they are in a different place than I am. 

-I am so so so grateful that my baby is healthy and alive. A privilege that should never be taken for granted. 

-Family is most important. Everything else can wait. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I dropped out school while I was pregnant/super sick with Eli. But then I have to remember...would I want to be working right now? Or in clinicals for 8 hours a day? Those things would definitely put Brian and I in a better place financially. However, my baby will only be a baby for a year. Then a toddler. And so on. I realize that working is something that some Moms need to do or want to do, and I fully support that. But at this point in my life right now, I am beyond grateful that I get to stay home with Eli and that Brian is so supportive and hardworking to allow me to do that. 

-Raising kids is hard work that is full of different seasons. Some days will feel like a complete waste. Those are the times to remember that I'm planting my seeds to reap the harvest later. 

{Better Late Than Never}: An Update on Eli

Where to begin? I have been so busy with Eli that I haven't written down much about him since he was born. Oh well. Better late than never, right? 
First, let's take a moment to really enjoy that cute face. Isn't he handsome? I sure think so. Ok ok...moving on.

Eli is 5.5 months old and he is (finally) loving life. We went through a 3 month rough patch, where I genuinely wondered if Eli would have any siblings later in life. But, for now, we have arrived at a  happier place. It's amazing how lack of sleep and a colicky baby can overtake your entire life; it's in those same times when you find out who your true friends are. But more on colic at a later date. For now, let's focus on the present. 

Eli is so sweet and fun. If I leave and come back awhile later, his entire face lights up and he lets out a big excited GASP or SQUEAL of happiness. It's probably the sweetest thanks a baby could ever give his proud Mama. And I just love it. 

There were some big milestones at our house this month. Eli started sleeping in his own crib/own room for naps and bed (can I get a woot woot)?! And he also started eating baby solid foods. Those two things have made him a lot happier about life in general. But really, who doesn't love food and sleep? 

A little bit about Eli at 5.5 months: 

-weighs 15 pounds

-wears 6 months clothes

-eats like a champ

-has the strongest sucking reflex I've ever seen

-smiles. and squeals. a lot. 

-can roll from back to tummy and vice versa.

-has started to slowly scoot if there is a toy he wants. but he has to be pretty motivated. 

-loves to go for walks in his stroller

-hates going to church

-very active

-likes baths...or really any place he can kick his legs like crazy

-starting to practice sitting up

{Birth}:Baby Eli

At 38 weeks pregnant, Friday morning of Sept. 5^th was just another typical day for me.  Brian and I had just moved out to Ivins one week before and things were finally starting to get settled. Thanks to the help of Brian’s siblings, we were able to get all our stuff moved in and unpacked within the week. Since we were so close to our “due date”, I had a sense of urgency to get everything cleaned and ready before baby made his arrival. Everyone always has lots of opinions for pregnant women, and it is no different when it comes to due dates. Many people had told me that my due date would come and go and I’d still be pregnant, so I played along and always said I knew that would probably be the case. However, I always had this feeling that Eli would come around the 8^th or sometime before our due date, which was the 18^th of September.  Every day, I made sure to do all the dishes, clean the sink, and tidy up the house…just in case Eli happened to come.  

Since Brian and I had just moved, we didn’t have much food at our house on Friday morning, so I went up the street to the parents’ house to eat a bowl of cereal. As I sat there eating, I decided to make a grocery list and include some freezer meals to prepare in advance while I still had some time. Michael was home for the morning, so I stayed to hang out for a bit and watch “Guilt Trip” with him. I was feeling, well, like a 38 week pregnant woman feels—so it was nice to just relax.

 I had a hard time mustering the motivation to leave, but my friend Brook had just given birth to her baby so I decided to go visit her and see how she was doing. When I got to her house, I was kind of hungry and not feeling good, so I didn’t stay longer than probably an hour. By the time I walked out the door, Brian had gotten off work a little early and I felt like I wouldn’t be able to make it all the way home without going to the bathroom. After 9 months of taking Zofran for morning sickness, it had become normal to be a little “backed up” all the time. So if there were ever times when I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I knew to take advantage of it as quickly as possible. 

By the time I finally made it home, I walked in the door, greeted Brian as fast as I could, and waddled to the closest bathroom. Unfortunately, I thought I had waited too long because all the sudden I got the worst stomach and back pains and I could not go to the bathroom for the life of me.  Usually if I can’t go to the bathroom I call it quits and that’s that. But I felt like I just had to get rid of the intense pressure I felt (and would continue to feel for another 25+ hours). I doubted I was in labor, but decided to text my sister just to see what she thought.  At 3:15pm, “I really feel like I might be in labor. There’s just a lot of pressure and I feel really hot and sick and like I’m going to die.” She instantly called me and said that it could definitely be labor, but maybe to try an enema and see what that did for me and then to keep her updated.  I told her I’d keep her updated and if I was feeling better, maybe we could all go on a double date for dinner later that night.  Looking back, it’s funny to think that I said that now.

Brian had been mostly asleep when I walked in the door previously, so after about half an hour he woke up and wondered where I was.  By the time he came in to the bathroom, I had stripped off all my clothes because I felt so overheated and just not good. I kept complaining about all this pressure and Brian suggested maybe I was in labor? All I could think about was the fact that we had no food and I didn’t have all the stuff on our list of things to have ready for the birth. The biggest thing on the list that I was worried about was ammonia. I refused to believe that I was in labor, because not everything was “just so”. But really, is it ever?!  Not to mention, I was supposed to do four people’s nails and had brought home all the nail stuff to do it.  I kept telling Brian that I was probably just really constipated and all I’d eaten that day was a bowl of cereal, so that was probably contributing to it. He wasn’t really buying it, so he suggested that I go take a bath to try and help me feel better. Once I got into the warm bath, my back felt so much better.  I wasn’t timing contractions because I was in denial, but Brian says they were 5 minutes apart. I just told myself that I was having stomach and back pains that ebbed and flowed…they couldn’t possibly be contractions. Not when I still had ammonia to buy, freezer meals to make, and nails to do. Nope, no possible way.

So I sat in my eucalyptus bubble bath and tried to relax, but it was pretty much impossible. The biggest reason why is because I was just SO hot. Brian kept getting me ice cold rags to put on my forehead, but I would just heat them up within a couple minutes. He called Cyndi and told her what was going on and she said it sounded like labor; she was picking up some stuff at Costco, so she decided to drop it off at her house (which is close to us) and then head over. Cyndi showed up around 5:30 and she seemed pretty convinced that I was in labor too. April was called and she said she’d come over after they finished going out to dinner because we weren’t in a huge rush yet. Brian had also called his mom to ask her if she could bring me some food; she showed up, around 6:30ish, while I was in the bath to see what else we wanted to eat that she could bring besides the jimmy johns and smoothie she’d brought. I remember I felt like I was so incredibly hungry, but absolutely nothing sounded good. She kept suggesting stuff and all I could settle on was a smoothie because I was just so hot (all I ended up eating during labor were 2 strawberries and some of that smoothie, it was a lifesaver).

Being in labor should be considered its own time zone. Time can either feel like a lifetime or hours can feel like minutes. It was so long that I hardly remember specific times at all and everything is kind of a blur. I remember moments and then hours pass that were simply contractions and that’s all I remember.  

A little while after Cyndi and April showed up, I got out of the tub and changed into a nightgown. Cyndi checked me and I was at a 3, then I spent the next few hours on my bed just trying to get through contractions. April asked if it would help to watch The Office as a distraction, so we decided to give that a try and she pulled it up on her phone.  Between contractions, it was kind of fun to lay there on the bed with April and Brian as we watched The Office. It was the episode where Pam is in labor, but she refuses to go to the hospital because she’s not ready. I had experienced almost the exact same meltdown to Brian while I was in the tub, so it was a fitting episode. However, when Pam started crying about not being ready and etc , I started bawling because I just felt so bad for Pam and the pain she was in. I remember April and Brian telling me that it’s just a show and Pam is just an actor, but I just felt so bad for her. We only made it through half of that episode, and then we had to turn it off because I couldn’t focus between contractions.

Sometime around 8pm or so, I was feeling really nauseas and sick. I asked for a pot because I thought I was going to be sick and they brought it just in time. As I threw up any water that had been in my system, I had also felt like I was going to the bathroom at the exact same time and I couldn’t control it coming out no matter how hard I tried. By the end, our bed was completely covered and everyone got excited because they thought my water had broken. Cyndi took a little test strip thing and tested it, and we all just assumed it had to be my water breaking because it really was so much fluid. I was excited because up until that point, my labor had been progressing pretty slowly. At my 38 week appt the day before, Cyndi had checked me and I was at a 2. Then when she showed up on Friday, I was at a 3. Later that night I was at a 4 and that’s pretty much how it went until Saturday around 2pm. So when we thought my water broke, we were all excited—hoping the pressure of Eli’s head without the water would now speed up the process a bit. Unfortunately, little did we know that we were still in it for the long haul.

Between 11pm-1am, we were all getting really tired and I was starting to get a little discouraged.  Brian was literally the BEST birth partner in the entire universe. He stayed with me the entire time and only went to the bathroom twice throughout the entire 26 hours. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to see someone you love be in pain for 26 hours and to stay right there and encourage them the entire time; but he did exactly that and held it together like a champ. I love him so much. He was pretty exhausted though, so at this point Brian had fallen asleep sitting up on the bed, and April was lying behind me rubbing my back, half asleep, while everyone else was in the front room getting some zzzz’s. 

As labor progressed, I got a lot better at working through the contractions. Heck, by the end I would say I was pro at working through those contractions. Yet for the first few hours, I really fought them and didn’t even fully believe I was in labor—I think that actually made matters worse for me. I had major back labor and each contraction brought on a lot of back pain mixed with what can best be described as the worst menstrual cramps I’ve ever had. For most of Friday night, I got through each contraction with a low moan mantra of “owwwwww…..owwwwww…”  Probably not the best phrase to pick, but it’s just what came out in the early stages. As April and I laid there, she suggested that instead of saying “owww,” rather with each contraction I picture my cervix opening and that I say “open” instead. It took a couple tries to make the change, but that was a turning point for me. Somehow it really did help me to get through the pain and to focus on the positive thought of my cervix opening for Eli to come.

The rest of the world slept while hours of contractions came and went. I was so exhausted and so hungry, each contraction took all of my focus and I tried my best to not let myself think about times that were coming or the time that had past. One of the best things I learned to do in labor was simply focus on one contraction at a time. It was around 3am and everyone was in the front room resting, while Brian and I were working through each contraction in our room. Tired and needing some motivation, I stood up and walked a lap to the kitchen and back, stopping at the nursery to look inside. It was so encouraging to see Eli’s crib and picture him sleeping there. Sitting on one of the shelves was the book “Love is You and Me”; we had bought it 9 months before to tell Brian’s family the news that we were pregnant. I grabbed the book and headed back into our room to lie on the bed and read it. Lying there reading that book with Brian reading it over my shoulder—all  I could think about was Eli and how much I loved him already. I couldn’t wait to meet him and see what he looked like. Tears were silently streaming down my face by the time I closed the last page of the book; I looked up to see that Brian was crying too and I knew he was having the same thoughts that I was. That was one of my favorite and most sacred moments during the entire birth between Brian and me; most of the time there were multiple people helping us in the room, and I am so grateful that they were there too. Yet, I will never forget the sacred spirit that was there between Brian and me as we read that book together. It was the perfect pick me up that we both needed at 3am that day.

 Morning came and everyone was hungry so some of them went and picked up breakfast. I ate 2 strawberries and that was all I could even consider swallowing. While everyone was eating, Brian and I were in our room with Cyndi, who was taking some notes and checking on Eli. In the weeks before, Brian and I had discussed ideas and things we wanted or thought might help during labor. We had decided that Brian would give me a blessing, and up until this point he had suggested it a couple of times and I had wanted one—but then I would have a contraction and we would forget or someone would check me with the Doppler, so we hadn’t done it yet. April was walking out to the hall and she said, “You’ve given her a blessing right?” Brian stated he hadn’t yet, so we decided to do it right then as I laid there. It was just me, Brian and Cyndi—and I Just felt really at peace and during the blessing and Brian said that everything would work out. We are glad that Cyndi was there, because towards the end of labor things got kind of exciting and later she told us that she knew things would be ok because of the blessing Brian had given me.   

Typically, Cyndi doesn’t check people unless they ask to be checked, or if they aren’t progressing and etc. I am the kind of person that likes to know where I am at. Women don’t give birth by numbers and by that I mean—you can jump from a 5-10 very quickly or you can take all night to get from a 3-6…like I did. You just never know. Yet, I still like to know the numbers and hear what’s going on. I kept hoping they would go up when she checked and that’s why I kept asking—it was supposed to motivate me. However, it was a pretty slow process until about noon or so on Saturday when I asked Cyndi to check me once more.  As she was checking things out, she got a funny look on her face and stated that she could feel forewaters. Not knowing what she meant by that, I asked her and she told us all that my water hadn’t broken the night before because she could still feel it. At every appt during my pregnancy, Cyndi had always commented on how much fluid I had in my stomach—saying that it was a lot. When she checked me I wondered if maybe I just had more fluid than other people and it hadn’t all come out the night before. We decided to give it a little more time and see what happened.

 Around 1pm I could tell that Cyndi was ready to check me again. I was dreading it for 2 reasons—1. Being checked is painful 2. When you are in labor the last thing you want to do is lie on your back; talk about the worst position ever.   I asked Cyndi if it was time to check me and she said yes it was, but that I could wait until I was ready and in between contractions. When she checked me, I was right close to a 6 and she asked if I wanted her to break my water. I always expected my water to just break on its own and I never really thought I’d want someone to break it—it’s a good cushion for the baby’s head and etc. At this point, however, it was slowing down my dilation because Eli’s head couldn’t really push down on my cervix. Not to mention the fact that I had been working hard in labor for about 22 hours.  Without missing a beat, I told her I wanted my water broken.

Having her break my water was a really weird experience. Cyndi took what looked like a long chopstick, and used it to “pop” my water essentially. It didn’t hurt at all; in fact, I didn’t even feel a pop. It was more like a HUGE whoosh of water just came rushing out of me, similar to the night before when I had been throwing up. Except this time it was a lot more water, which I didn’t even think was possible. Before breaking my water, Cyndi had prepared to have water come out—but even after making preparations, it was more than anyone expected. I remember she kept asking for more chucks and told everyone that she was drowning in all the water. When it was all said and done, she told us it was about 3 gallons! Between the weight of Eli and all that fluid, it’s no wonder I had to go to the bathroom all the time while I was pregnant. After Cyndi broke my water, things started to pick up.

After I got cleaned up from all the fluid, Cyndi gave me some homeopathic beadlets that were supposed to regulate my contractions. Before she broke my water, my contractions had been unusual for the entirety of the labor. I would have “cluster” contractions, where I would get a bunch of bad ones right in a row with essentially no breaks. Then my body would give me rest to recuperate for a decent amount of time—at least a couple of minutes, which was nice. Essentially, the beadlets had sugar and something else (she said blue or black?), but I don’t remember. She put a bunch under my tongue and I just let them dissolve for a couple of minutes.

                

            A few minutes after I took the beadlets, I started to have really strong contractions and then resting periods, just like before—but they were at more regular intervals and not clustered. One of the things that got me through all my contractions the whole labor was telling myself that it would only last a minute and that “this too shall pass.” Anyone can do anything for just a minute or two, right? I especially had to remember this whenever I had a contraction in the bathroom—which was every 5 contractions or so.

Contractions in the bathroom were always the worst, because it was SO.MUCH. PRESSURE.  I would have the urge to go to the bathroom but sitting down was so painful, I could hardly do it. And it was just the URGE to go to the bathroom, not the actual need. By the end, I would always end up standing and using our towel rod for support as I leaned over and focused on my “open” phrase. A little while after Cyndi gave me the beadlets, I headed to the bathroom for another contraction but I couldn’t sit down. So while I leaned over the towel rod, I just focused on trying to relieve the pressure that I felt. I literally just felt like I had to have a BM, it didn’t seem like it was time to start pushing but I wanted to anyway—mainly because I just wanted to be done and have Eli here.

Brian was always with me every time I went to the bathroom; each time he would encourage me and tell me how good I was doing. This time, everyone else was just outside the door and they could hear me kind of groaning/straining while I stood at the towel rod. Someone opened the door and Lisa was standing there with the Doppler, ready to check on Eli. Everyone said I looked like I was pushing and it was time to push. I got kind of excited, but I didn’t really know if I believed them. When I asked her, April had previously told me that pushing felt so good. This didn’t feel good, this hurt really bad and I didn’t really have the urge to push—I more just wanted to so we could get the show on the road.

Despite what I was thinking, everyone else could tell that I was in the pushing stage. I made my way out of the bathroom and leaned over the bed while another wave of pressure came on. Lisa, the birth assistant, would do counter pressure on my hips a lot of the time when I would have contractions, especially during this stage of pushing. She tried to teach Brian how to do it and April gave it a couple of tries too, but when I knew a bad one was coming on—I would directly ask for Lisa because she was a pro at counter pressure. I don’t think I could have done it without her (or anyone else on our birth team, really). The pushing stage took a lot longer than I expected it to; people always talk about how they pushed three times or something and then their baby came out. After an hour and seventeen minutes of pushing, obviously that was not the case for me.

I tried many positions while pushing. Leaning over the bed until my legs were shaking, hunched over a ball, on my hands and knees, and squatting with Brian sitting in a chair behind me/supporting my arms. My arms and legs were literally shaking after each cluster of pushes. I would do about 3 pushes, and then my body would be completely worn out so I would have to take a breather. When I first started pushing, it took a little bit of getting used to.

                

            The first few pushes, I would just kind of moan really loudly and that was just how I coped. Then Cyndi told me to take the energy from my mouth and push it down to where the pressure was. The best way I can think of to describe it, is the sound you make when you’re frustrated at someone and you make that sound in your throat. And by then, I was a little frustrated with how long things were taking. It was a good thing though, because that frustration gave me energy for each push and it made me feel this stubbornness that I was going to get this baby OUT. With certain pushes, Cyndi would tell me that I was pushing beautifully, that it was my best push yet, or that she could see him! A couple times, Brian would get excited with a push and tell me that I was SO close to getting Eli around the curve to start crowning.  It felt like forever though.

                

             Each time someone would give me those words of encouragement, I would think to myself that maybe he was going to start crowning! Maybe this was it! Was he coming? I knew that crowning meant he was close, so I kept asking over and over again…”Is he crowning? Can you see him yet? Is he crowning??” Each time they said no, it made me so frustrated because my body was tired and I was working so hard. I wanted him to start crowning so badly. After trying multiple positions, Cyndi suggested I get onto our bed. Since my body was really tired from holding myself up, it was a welcome suggestion.

                

             They helped me onto the bed and Cyndi suggested I try lying on my side and pulling one leg toward me while I push the next time. I wasn’t too keen on this idea, because my legs were already cramping from exhaustion and my sister in law had mentioned before that she wished she hadn’t have delivered her daughter lying on her side, because it wasn’t that great of a position. However, I decided to try it since Cyndi said it might help open things up a bit. After one or two tries, everyone could tell that wasn’t a good position for me. I couldn’t really push very well in that position and my leg would start cramping up so bad that I would have to straighten it out almost immediately. While someone stretched my leg for me, Cyndi suggested I try my back.  

                

             Pushing while lying on my back also seemed like a really weird position to me. This was mainly because it had been such an uncomfortable position to be in while I was getting checked. Cyndi seemed positive about it so I decided to just trust her. We propped my head up on some pillows and with each wave of pressure, Cyndi told me to pull my legs toward me and push while making a C shape with my body. After a couple of tries, I couldn’t pull my own legs toward me so someone had to do counter pressure, which helped a ton because then I had some leverage to push against. To my surprise, it was working! Cyndi was so excited that I was getting some great pushes, I could hear it in her voice and Brian’s as they encouraged me each time I pushed. Like a broken record, I just kept asking if they could see him crowning. After what felt like forever, he finally did start crowning.

                

               No one had to tell me when Eli started crowning. I knew. Oh boy, did I know. It felt like the most intense burning/stinging/ripping I have ever felt in the worst possible place to be feeling those things. I didn’t have to ask Cyndi if he was crowning at that point. Instead I started yelling at her to “GET him out! Get him out!!” She told me I had to do this and she couldn’t take him out for me. I dug in my heels and kept pushing as hard as I could through the pain. I was so tired though, I needed a break. I wanted a break so badly. And then all of the sudden everyone was yelling at me and everything swirled into a blur.

               

               I had no idea what was going on besides that everyone was telling me I needed to push and push NOW. I could sense the urgency in Cyndi’s voice; I needed to push Eli out right now because his head was stuck. It was such a blur and words can’t even describe how I was feeling.  It was the hardest, most intense, scariest moment of my life. I know without a doubt that angels were there helping me to do the impossible and my motherly instincts kicked into gear instantly.

Throughout the whole pushing stage, I had only been able to do about 3 pushes before needing a break; because of the urgency of the situation, this time had to be different.  I dug in my heels for counter pressure again and pushed as hard as I could for as long as I could. They kept telling me to keep pushing, so I didn’t stop. I never screamed until this point, and it was at this point during this final pushing series, that I screamed with every fiber of my being. I had to get this baby out fast, no matter how bad it hurt. I lost sense of anything besides pushing and screaming—and getting Eli out. All I could focus on was getting him out and getting out of the pain that I was feeling. I could feel Cyndi wrestling and trying to help position him to come out. April was supposed to be taking pictures, but I needed to grab someone’s hand so I yelled her name and reached for a hand—still pushing with everything that I had left. This was by far the longest and most intense moment of my entire life. Then finally, I felt Eli and who knows what else come out of me. It was the weirdest feeling, but it felt so good. Somewhere to my right, in a subconscious type of way, I could hear Brian’s voice shaking with emotion, “Lucy—our baby, our baby.” I felt so distant and out of it, and then suddenly—the world went quiet. My sister tells me that my eyes glazed over and I just mentally checked out.

The next thing I remember hearing is someone saying “thirty.” After this, it’s still kind of a blur. My mother in law showed up at some point and sat in the corner. Someone helped me out of my nightgown and Eli was placed on my chest.  I remember one of my first thoughts was that my baby was black. Did I just have a black baby? How was that even possible? I couldn’t figure it out. They were holding something up to his face, I think it was oxygen.  Cyndi told me that I needed to push my placenta out. All I could think about was that I didn’t want to have any pain like the pain I’d just experienced, especially if I was holding Eli. I asked Cyndi if delivering the placenta would hurt and she said it would be ok. I was still really nervous about holding Eli while I did it, but it ended up being fine. Right after that, Cyndi came over and started pushing really hard on my stomach. I grabbed her hand and told her it was too much, she needed to stop. She told me that I had blood clots and we needed to get them out. I didn’t even have to push; when she put all that pressure on my stomach, I could feel the blood clots coming out. Next thing I remember is being propped up onto some phone books on the bed so I could get some stitches. The whole time I was so nervous to hold Eli because I didn’t know if it would hurt, and if it did I didn’t want to hurt him accidentally. I kept telling everyone that I didn’t know if I should be holding him, but no one else seemed too worried about it. Eli kept moving around and kicking me in the stomach while I was getting the stitches. I didn’t really have the chance to enjoy holding him yet because there was so much going on and I was kind of in a daze. 

Finally things settled down a little bit. They weighed Eli and he was an even 8 ounces.  After that, I got to relax and watch as Brian took care of Eli for the first time. Among other things, Lisa walked him through putting on Eli’s diaper, getting him dressed, and swaddling him. I loved being able to just sit and watch Brian and our son interact for the first time; from pregnancy to being a wonderful birth partner to meeting Eli for the first time—I am just so glad that Brian is Eli’s Dad.

By this time, it was getting later in the evening and we had a little burst of energy from all of the recent activities. I finally got my appetite back and Brenda brought us some Chili’s to eat…those are probably THE best fajitas I’ve had in my life. It was so great to be able to eat after not eating for so long during labor—getting IV’s just didn’t cut it. Brian helped me take a shower and get cleaned up while they cleaned our room and made up the bed with fresh sheets. Everyone ended up leaving around 9 or so, giving Brian and I a chance to relax and enjoy the newest member of our family.  It was the sweetest feeling to finally be able to rest and snuggle our sweet baby. After 26.5 hours of labor, Eli Brent Delwin Wilson was born at 5:28pm on Sept 6, 2014, at exactly 8lbs and 20.5in long—I can now say that labor truly is the only blind date where you know you will meet the love of your life. Needless to say, Brian and I adore Eli.

{Pregnancy}: 24 Weeks

24 weeks pregnant is such a good place to be when I think back to the first 17 weeks. I still have to take my zofran every morning or I get super sick, but it's such a stark difference that more than anything, I just feel blessed to be able to feel somewhat normal again.
 Call me crazy, but I feel like I should be writing more down about my pregnancy because I know that in various ways- I really am going to miss it.

Don't get me wrong- waking up multiple times a night to go to the bathroom, not being able to eat much in one sitting, heartburn, randomly blacking out/puking, and the ability to fall asleep practically anywhere aren't necessarily the most fun things I've ever done in my life.

However, feeling my baby move around and kick is the most priceless feeling in the whole world. It makes all the other stuff just melt away and fills my heart with pure joy. At least once a day, I like to just lay down and enjoy feeling him kick around. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty that I'm the only one that gets to enjoy it so much; Brian probably gets sick of me asking if he wants to feel the baby kick so often...but I just love it so much that I want to share it with someone else!

Speaking of kicking, little Baby Wilson is kicking full force nowadays. Sometimes if my hands are on my stomach, when he kicks it literally moves my hand up and out. He is pretty active and loves to nestle somewhere under my lower left rib when I'm sitting down...or maybe it's just his hand- who knows? (I don't necessarily enjoy that as much as HE seems to)!

And of course, he is already a little tease...but we already knew that after the gender ultrasound! He will be kicking a ton, then the second someone tries to feel him- he stops completely. It's almost comical how many times it's happened; I feel like the pregnant lady who cried wolf.

I could go on for days, but I will just sum it up by saying that I am so excited to meet him and I love him to pieces already. I feel so blessed to be able to carry his little spirit with me everywhere I go and I already dread the day that I have to be apart from him.

{16 Weeks}: He's a boy!

After a very long and difficult 10 weeks, we finally got to find out the gender of our baby yesterday! Monday night felt like Christmas Eve...I could hardly sleep the whole night and I literally woke up every single hour, just ready to jump out of bed and go to the appointment. I was able to contain my excitement all the way until 5:30am, when I finally just accepted the fact that I wasn't going to get any more sleep. Brian, however, contained himself quite well- peacefully asleep until 8:30am. 

At that point, I couldn't wait any longer for him to wake up, so he got a nice wake up call from me, 

"BRIAN, OUR BABY HAS A VERY IMPORTANT APPOINTMENT TODAY AND BABY WON'T WANT TO BE LATE!" 

Ahhh...finally, he was awake. While Brian got ready to go, I apprehensively made sure to drink as much water as I could, since the doctor's office had said that would be the best way to see the baby. The reason I was hesitant to drink much water, is because I have always had a small bladder...and pregnancy has only made matters worse in that department. But, after much praying that baby would cooperate and show us the goods at the appointment- I didn't want to risk not finding out! 

Once we had settled into the waiting room at the doctor's office, Brian turned to me and said, "Ok, we better make our final bets as to what the baby is going to be...I think it's a boy!" 

I replied with, "Brian...I think it's a boy too...so we can't even bet against each other!" 

Well, at least we didn't have to wait much longer. Once we were taken back into the ultrasound room, the lady put the ultrasound on my stomach and kind of sighed while saying, hmmmm. 

Of course, I started to panic and asked what was going on. She proceeded to tell me that our baby had picked a very unusual and uncooperative position for the appointment...he was on his head with his legs crossed!! She told us that at this point in pregnancy, it was kind of unusual for her to see a baby in this position and if he didn't move, we might have to reschedule our appointment. All of this was said while she was pushing on my very full bladder and trying to shake my stomach so he would wake up. What an accident waiting to happen! Thankfully, soon enough she jokingly told me to go empty my bladder and threaten my child to wake up. 

So that's exactly what I did.  

In the bathroom, I'm sure I looked like like some sort of crazy lady- I was jumping up and down, shaking my stomach, mentally telling this child that he better wake up or I was going to be one sad mama. Then, we tried again and thank goodness he had moved. Right when the lady put the US back on, really loudly she said, "OH! OK, what do you guys think?" We both instantly knew he was a boy. 

Can you tell the difference between the 2 pics? In the first US pic, both Brian and I think he just looks like a little daredevil. What a trickster, probably playing an April's Fool's joke on us...I'm just so glad he ended up moving during the appointment! What a good baby. 

The rest of the appointment went well. There is nothing like seeing a little person so comfy and cute inside of you- I could have watched him in there all day. I know we're biased, but it really was adorable to watch him do some kicks and move around. We even saw him yawn really big twice...probably because I had woken him up with all that jumping around! Watching him yawn was probably my favorite part. The rest of the day I just wanted to carry my ultrasound pictures around with me and look at them...he has gotten way bigger than the last time we saw him, it's just incredible. Brian laughs at me and I KNOW it's silly, but one night about a week ago, as I was drifting off to sleep I started worrying to Brian that it's all going to go way too fast. Once the baby is born, they won't be with me all the time anymore and I'm going to miss them and then next thing we know they're going to be off to college! He couldn't even contain his laughter...I blame pregnancy hormones. ;) haha

The 4d pictures were pretty cool to see! I know it's early, but in this pic I really think the baby looks like Brian, just with the facial structure. Especially the frontal bone where his eyebrows will be.

After the appointment yesterday, I think things got more "real" for Brian...he got really excited and started raving about doing a motorcycle nursery and all sorts of other things. Which is really funny, because we had kind of picked out other things we might do prior to that..but all his opinions changed once he knew the gender and saw the ultrasound, haha. I'm glad he likes to be so involved though- right after the appointment I was feeling slightly bummed/stressed because with 2 sisters I love dresses, bows, and all things girly... and I have no clue what to do with a boy! So, straight from our appointment we went to Target and bought an awesome fedora and some cute onesies for us to dote over while we wait to meet the little one. I don't feel too guilty, because on both sides of the family there are only girls...so we won't get any hand me downs. Guess we'll just have to be on the lookout for cute baby clothes and stuff. Oh darn...what a bummer!! ;) To say the least, we are completely smitten. 

{A Rant}: I'll be ok

"Pregnancy is great" they said. "I hardly had any symptoms!" they said.

There will be moments, hours, or even days where I will feel good and want to proclaim to the world that I'm better and I will never complain again! That's usually when reality sets in. Tonight, that meant puking out the car window while Brian pulled over quickly so that I could look like a drunk person on the side of the road. Then I lost whatever food was left in me 2 more times after we got home. Ahh...pregnancy is just...so glamorous.

Between feeling nauseated 24/7, having to lie down to feel decent, not being able to keep most foods down, and having to drop out of clinicals after working towards them for 3 years...it really starts to get to your head after awhile.

If you've never gone through this, there is no possible way for you to completely understand what it's like. But here's just a sample...

Remember what it's like to have a really bad flu?
You can't do anything. You're all shaky and lightheaded. And hungry from not eating anything all day. You hate the bathroom floor. A big reason why is that you just feel like you're going to die right there on that stupid old lineoleum.
Now imagine having that flu...every single day...for like, months at a time. 

Welcome to my pregnancy.

If you're still reading at this point (I know this isn't the happiest of stories), I have learned a few things from this blessing disguised as a massive trial called pregnancy.

1.  I can't wait to really enjoy eating food again. And keeping it down. Brian's Dad made ribs for dinner the other day, so everyone went over to Grandma's house to enjoy them. As we sat around the table, everyone made comments about how delicious it was and etc. as I tried my best to not stare their food down like I was going to pounce on it. Nothing is worse than being completely starving and literally having your mouth water, while sitting at a table full of people enjoying all sorts of delicious varieties of food. Let's just say, in these instances I have learned to hold back the tears...meaning: I only let people see my cry about that like, once a week.

2. People don't think you feel terrible if you're not in pajamas. There is something about pajamas that just makes it more believable to the human mind.

3. No matter how much you think you may know, you never know what people are going through.  It makes me want to be so much nicer to people, because maybe they are going through something really hard but I just don't know about it. And on that note too, it makes me want to be wary of judging someone too quickly or too harshly...you just never know. So it's better to give them the benefit of the doubt.

4. I am thankful for modern medicine. And kind of dependent on it right now. I've never been one of those people that's like, "I can't leave the house without my meds!!" I've never even had meds to take, really. But then I got zofran. And it kind of saved me from curling into a ball and dying. Today, for the first time in months, I was able to go to church. It was so great! With zofran, I can at least function a little bit throughout the day and do some small things. Which to me, are big things right now. At the same time, the meds kind of freak me out and make me feel like an old person. I literally (ok, not LITERALLY) start having panic attacks if I leave the house without my zofran.I've always been a big advocate of exercise and healthy eating, but I'll say it again...I want to live a healthy lifestyle so I can hopefully avoid being too dependent of medicine as I age.

5. Pregnancy has taught me humility. I still stink at asking most people for help. One day, it took me about 30 minutes to ask Brian's brother to get me a cup of water. But I"m learning that it's ok. It's ok to cry out of pure joy when I'm at a restaurant and can enjoy some food. It's ok to be in my pajamas all day. It's ok to realize that I can't do everything...or really, much of anything at this point. Heck, let's be honest...if puking out the side of a car doesn't make ya humble, I DUNNO WHAT WILL.
But at least I'm growing a little person who is just waiting to come down from heaven to be tested and reunite with their family. On days when it's hard, that's what I try to remember and then, it's at least ok. Not necessarily enjoyable at this point, but...ok. And that is enough to get me through for now.