{November}:gratitude

"Gratitude is the beginning of greatness." With today being the first day of November, I decided to start the month off right by focusing on being more grateful in every situation.  A few random things that I am grateful for today are:
                                                                     orange juice
                                                                       heated car seats
                                                                      family
                                                                      friends
                                                                       nice weather
                                                                     good health
                                                                      dishwasher
                                                                      hugs
                                                                       school
                                                                       brian
                                                                      our new garbage can
                                                                      Thanksgiving break coming
                                                                      blankets
                                                                        books
                                                                      naps
                

{Marriage}: We are a team

 I found this article that has 14 suggestions for staying married. I think it is sad how people nowadays call their marriage a "first" marriage. Almost like a "first" house or something. I want my first marriage to be my only marriage.
One of my favorite tips that the author gave was to go to bed mad. People are always suggesting the opposite, but when you're tired and grumpy...it's just not worth a fight. Everything is  always better in the morning.

1. Go to bed mad.The old maxim that you shouldn’t go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin’ bed. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase “Be angry and sin not.” So, who’s to say it doesn’t mean “Stay angry. Don’t let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.” Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord -- was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.

2. Laugh if you can.In any fight, there is one person who is really mad, and one person who isn’t that mad. That person should deflect the fight. Make a joke, do something stupid or corny, make the other person laugh. If the fight is very serious for you and you feel like you really want to plant your flag and die on this hill, fine. Do it. But if you’re fighting for entertainment, or because you’re just reacting, then you be the one to deflect. Fights are bad. Deflecting a fight whenever possible is a good idea. When you’re the one who’s being pissy and raw, and the other person helps you get out of it and brings about peace, that feels fantastic. This was a hard lesson to learn, for me. Letting Dan deflect a fight is the best thing, now. He does it really well.

3. Don’t criticize. Ever.Here is a fact: Whatever critical thing that you are about to say to your wife is already being loudly articulated in her head. And if it’s true, she already feels like crap about it. Assuming you married someone intelligent enough to like you and sane enough to let you put a ring on it, trust that they are self-aware enough to know when they screwed up. It may feel good to you in that moment to say the critical thing, let it go ringing through the air in all its sonorous correctness, but it will feel awful to hear it. The only, only way it’s beneficial to give your wife criticism of any kind is if you’re absolutely positive she is completely unaware. And you better find the nicest, kindest way possible to tell her. And even then, good luck convincing her. Their recognition of the thing you are helpfully trying to point out will be INHIBITED, not facilitated, by your criticism. And then you’re the bad guy. So be careful.

4. Be the mirror.Your husband is the mirror in which you see yourself. And the things you say to him give him an image of himself too, which he will believe. You want him to believe it, so make it good. Be a mirror that reflects something positive: you’re smart, you’re successful, you’re fantastic in the sack, you’re a great provider, you’re the best. Can you MAKE him any of these things just by telling him he is? I don’t know, but consider this: the alternative really sucks. The things my husband says to me are 1000 times more convincing than anyone else’s opinion on earth. Don’t think he won’t believe you because you’re married and you’re contractually obligated to say nice things. He’ll believe the terrible, insulting things you say, and the gloriously positive things.

5. Be proud and brag.Let your spouse hear you talking about them in glowing terms to other people. Be foolish. Be obvious. It will mean everything. You will stay married forever.

6. Do your own thing.Dan races bicycles. I write books. I don’t race bicycles or have any desire to race bicycles. He doesn’t write books, nor does he even read the books that I write. Seriously. And I don’t care. My opinion is that he’s the fastest, coolest most awesome bike racer ever. His opinion is that I’m the bestest, coolest writer ever. We don’t have to know all about cycling or writing in order to form these opinions -- in fact knowledge of literature or actually reading my book might damage Dan’s opinion of me as “best writer since the dawn of time.” We can still support each other without being all up in the other person’s stuff. Doing your own thing, having your own friends, being completely insanely passionate about something that the other person has no idea, really, about, is awesome. It allows your spouse to be your cheerleader, uncomplicated by knowledge or personal investment. And it means you’ll always have stuff to talk about, because you’re not overlapping all the time. You don’t have to read the same books either. You don’t have to have the same friends.

7. Have kids.Kids stop you from being as crazy as you want to be. Because when you have kids, you can’t be that crazy.

8. Move.Live in different houses. In different parts of the country. Travel. Make it so that you can look back and divide up your life into the years you spent in different cities, or different houses. If you’re feeling stuck geographically or physically, you can confuse yourself into thinking you’re stuck romantically. See your husband in different places, in different contexts, in different countries even. Try it. Take him to a mountaintop and give him another look. Pretty sexy. Take him to a new city and check out his profile. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid to change personally, or let your wife change as a person. Don’t worry about “growing apart.” Be brave and evolve. Become completely different. Don’t gather moss. Stagnation is unattractive.

9. Stop thinking temporarily.Marriage is not conditional. It is permanent. Your husband will be with you until you die. That is a given. It sounds obvious, but really making it a given is hard. You tend to think in “ifs” and “thens” even when you’ve publicly committed to forever. If he does this, I won’t tolerate it. If I do this, he’ll leave me. If I get fat. If I change jobs. If he says mean things. If he doesn’t pay more attention. It’s natural, especially in the beginning of your marriage, to keep those doubts in your head. But the sooner you can get go of the idea that marriage is temporary, and will end if certain awful conditions are met, the sooner you will let go of all kinds of conflict and stress. Yes, you may find yourself in a horrible situation where it’s absolutely necessary to get a divorce. But going into it with divorce in the back of your mind, even in the way way way back of your mind, is going to cause a lot of unnecessary angst. Accept that you’re going to stay with him. He’s going to stay with you. Inhabit that and figure out how to make THAT work, instead of living with the “what if”s and “in case of”s.

10. Do not put yourself in trouble’s way.Leave your ex boyfriends and girlfriends alone. I’m sure you’re very trustworthy. Aren’t we all? The thing is, there’s absolutely no reason to test it. Your husband and your marriage are more valuable than any friendship. Any friendship that troubles the marriage should be over immediately. Protect it with knives and teeth, not because it’s fragile but because it’s precious. Don’t mess around with a “hall pass” or a “harmless flirtation.” Adultery isn’t an event, it’s a process with an event at the end. Don’t put your feet on a path that could lead someplace bad.

11. Complain to his mother, not yours.This is one I did read somewhere in a magazine, and it’s totally true. His mother will forgive him. Yours never will. If you’re a man, complain to your friends. They expect it.

13. Be loyal.All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, don’t matter because the team endures.

14. Trust the person you married.For two people who are trying to help each other, it can almost be harder to let the other person help you than it is to be the one who’s helping. It can be harder to let the other person deflect the fight than to be the one deflecting. It can be harder to believe that your husband is fully committed to a lifetime of marriage than to commit yourself. Harder to change yourself than to let the other person change. Harder to be loved than to love. Weird, but true. I’m saying this to everyone who’s newly married, and to myself: trust that person. Love them completely and let them love you. If it all goes to seed, it’s going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride.

 

I love the realistic approach that these suggestions give. My only exception is that me, my spouse, and God are a team of three and with that third member...we can do just about anything we set our minds to.

{Running}: Cross country

Holy cow...I can't believe it's already been a  year since I ran cross country last year. It feels like it can't have possibly been that long ago.
I'm a little bummed because, since my major is physical therapist assisting, I can't compete in races for Dixie State. So instead I am going to practice with them and get back in shape so I can do other races instead.

I always forget how hard it is to get back into shape. Bright and early this morning, we had our first practice at 6am (and we were still dripping sweat).  I thought it would be a nice easy 4 miles, especially because we have practice tonight too. But of course I was wrong. 5 miles uphill (foremaster hill, I might add) later...there is no question about it- they are going to kick us into shape faster than a fat kid can eat a twinkie.

Deep deep  down I'm grateful for it though, because after all the hard work and sweat, there is nothing like being in good shape and having people to run with.

Strong is the new skinny. :)

{Horses}: Brian's birthday surprise

I knew it would be difficult to surprise Brian on his birthday. So I plotted with his cousin and kidnapped him 4 days before his birthday to go horseback riding. At first he was really confused as to why I would be wearing a scarf in the scorching heat of summer...until I wrapped it around his head so he couldn't see where we were going. 

Unfortunately I didn't think to tell him to wear pants, so riding in shorts just made it more of an adventure for him...oh well. He still looks pretty happy. :)

I was perfectly content to sit on the fence (literally) and watch Brian ride. I think horses are pretty and I"ll pet them if I'm on the ground. But to be honest, the minute I get on a tall horse I get nervous...so that's why I look so uncomfortable on the horse. Happy Birthday Brian! 23 years young :)

{Nostalgia}: Making memories

Sometimes I close my eyes and just forget about everything I need to do.
I remember being little and me and my sister would go rollerblading around the neighborhood.
I remember my family having sock fights in our family room.
I remember playing magic school bus with April and Julie in the car while Jakob played t-ball.
The smell of swim lessons every summer.

Primary, achievement days, young womens.
I remember playing in the snow with my siblings until we couldn't feel our hands anymore.
Then coming inside to a warm fireplace and hot chocolate.
I remember game night.
I remember playing barbies in Julie's room for hours at a time.
Falling asleep to the sound of my wind chime with an open window on a summer night.
Ice cream cones melting, night games, and lots of sun.
Milk chugging contests and the sound of girls giggling at lunchtime.
Swinging, swinging, as much as I could before the school bell rang.
I remember April pulling out my first loose tooth.
And I remember how I never thought that I would ever be old enough for college. marriage. or kids.
Being in high school where my whole world was simply running and friends and sports med.
What to wear?
What to do on Friday night.
So many good, friday nights. and saturday nights.
And games. and meets.
The feeling of working so hard and being so in shape.
Running, running, running.
My mind wanders to my first 2 years of college and dating.
The time that St. George became a happy place...when that blue eyed boy showed up on my doorstep with brownies.
Brian and all of our wonderful late nights. Laughing. Crying. Talking about nothing. and about everything from the gospel to Even Stevens.
Riding his motorcycle and Sunday night walks. Frisbee in the park and Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
Love notes.
Our wedding day is a blur but it still holds so many memories.  Some stress sprinkled with a whole lot of happiness.
My lip trembling as I tried hard not to cry as I looked at him from across the altar in the temple where we were sealed forever. Happiness. peace. love.
Then my eyes open and and I am here. And it's all just a memory. My memories. My momentary childhood escape. A daydream reminding me to never grow up, because it really does happen
way too fast.
I never knew it would be all those little moments that would turn out to mean so  much to me. It all makes me wonder what memories I will hold ten years from now...

{Newbies}: the beginnings of marriage

Today marks our 6 week anniversary since being married in the LDS temple for time and all eternity. So in other words, we are total newbies!

But in the first month and a half of marriage this is what I've learned: